“Hit the Bench, Bleach. There’s a New Covid Cure.”
Kimmel’s wayback machine remembers late November 2020, when the MAGA cult celebrated the arrival of “Trump’s Beautiful Miracle Vaccine” that, two months later, mysteriously turned into “Biden’s Evil Satan Serum”…
And we all lived happily ever after just in time for Thanksgiving.
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, November 24, 2021
Note: Here’s the schedule for the rest of the week. Special Thanksgiving edition tomorrow, and then no C&J Friday, though we’ll probably post a “Who Won the Week” poll in the diaries around 7:00pm ET. Back Monday for the ceremonial fighting over the leftover marshmallow jello. Bring body armor. —Mgt.
By the Numbers:
Debuts in 29 days!!!
Days ’til the start of Hanukkah: 4
Days ’til the premiere of the Boba Fett live-action series on Disney+: 29
Percent of federal workers who are now in compliance with the federal vaccine/test mandate: 95%
Number of the top 7 states with the lowest rates of gun death in the U.S. that also have the highest rates of vaccination in the U.S.: 5
Rank of Arizona, North Dakota, and Nevada among states surveyed by LawnStarter with the highest percentage of wasted food: #1, #2, #3
Rank of Iowa, Louisiana, and Massachusetts: #48, #49, #50
Rank of “green bean casserole” among the Thanksgiving dishes searched online most often by Mainers, according to Google Trends: #1
Mid-week Rapture Index: 184 (including 4 Kings of the East and 1 thing Christian Nightmares never gets tired of posting). Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
Puppy Pic of the Day: This guy deserves a spot in the Vet Hall of Fame…
CHEERS to President Gitterdone. My god, it’s a world crisis! We’re out of oil and every world leader has crawled under their desk to flee the angry mobs of crude-hungry travel zombies! But wait—what’s that off in the distance? It’s a knight in shining and extremely well-oiled armor coming to save the day! But who is this masked man, this caped crusader, this man of steel, this…this…whatever tagline the Avengers use? Why, it’s that humble former community pool lifeguard from Delaware, whose brains, brawn, stamina, and diplomatic finesse are here to save the day:
President Joe Biden will tap into the nation’s strategic oil reserve to help offset a surge in gasoline prices. […]
They don’t call him Ol’ Flinty Eyes for nothin’.
“As a result of President Biden’s leadership and our diplomatic efforts, this release will be taken in parallel with other major energy consuming nations including China, India, Japan, Republic of Korea and the United Kingdom. This culminates weeks of consultations with countries around the world, and we are already seeing the effect of this work on oil prices, [which are already] down nearly 10 percent,” the White House said. […]
Experts said Americans will see a quick drop in prices almost immediately.
Methinks someone’s getting a shiny new cape for Christmas.
JEERS to dashed hopes. A MAGA crowd has been camping out in Dallas’s Dealey Plaza for the last few weeks, and for a very good reason: JFK, Jr. is coming back to shower them all with toys and goodies from his sleigh and then clean up all the doggone socialism in America. (It really is out of control, people.) Apparently he’d RSVP’d to show up Monday, and let’s see how that went:
Unsurprisingly, John F. Kennedy Jr. did not reveal himself to the crowd as he died in a plane crash near Martha’s Vineyard, Massachusetts, in 1999.
In an odd twist, Jesus showed up instead, but was immediately dismissed as a tax-and-spend Marxist libtard and told to go back where he came from. (Oddly, that turns out to be an apartment in Poughkeepsie. Who knew?)
CHEERS to common sense backed by science. On today’s date in 1859, Darwin’s The Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection was published. As proof that the theory works in reverse, more Americans believe in creationism today than evolution. Even the one-celled amoebas are rolling their eyes.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to “Old Rough ‘n Ready.” And Happy birthday to “#12” Zachary Taylor, who became president in 1849. Odd fellow:
Taylor was one strange-looking dude. Given his thick trunk, long, spindly arms, and a face like shoe leather, he bore an unsettling resemblance to an orangutan.
Old Rough and Ready may have been at home in the saddle, but he needed help getting into it—his legs were too short and bow-shaped to do it alone.
His hat of choice was a broad-rimmed, floppy thing woven of palmetto leaves, which—along with a mismatched set of rags that he frequently passed off as clothes—led some people to mistake their president for a farmer.
—From Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents by Cormac O’Brien
He ruled the national roost for a whopping 1 year and 126 days until he became “Old Gastroenteritis” and died from some combination of a) tainted water, b) tainted cherries, or c) tainted iced milk. You know the drill…pay your respects and move along. Taint nice to stare at dead folks.
CHEERS to mostly smooth sailing. If you’re traveling today in your 2021 Bell & Howell electric jetpack, you might get a sprinkle or two in the middle of the country. But other than that, it looks fine. Meanwhile this is what the Turkey Day map looks like, according to the National Weather Service’s Atari 2600 forecast computer:
The gays, feminists and pagans are quick to point out, by the way, that any weather messes this holiday are not their fault. Responsibility rests solely on the homophobes, the Nazis, the KKK, and their cousins Q-Anon and the conservative Bible thumpers. It’s residual from their huge 2020 election loss—even a year later their feelings are still delicate and tender. Hence the overall holiday outlook: scattered annoying snowflakes.
Ten years ago in C&J: November 24, 2011
CHEERS to throwing some impressive numbers on the board. Despite the death threats and destruction of petitions (Republicans—nothing more than stupid, petty thugs these days), the signature-gathering for the recall of Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is going well. They’ve already gathered more than eleventy billion of them, and all they need to reach the goal is another jillion bobtillion. So color me hopeful, with the usual note of caution: the last schmillion is always the hardest.
And just one more…
CHEERS to sweet sounds. The Grammy nominations were announced yesterday and you can check out the full list here. I always go to the Spoken Word category first, because there’s a good chance it’ll have a Clinton, an Obama, or a Carter on it. And this year…there is!
Carry On: Reflections For A New Generation From John Lewis
Catching Dreams: Live At Fort Knox Chicago
—Dave Chappelle & Amir Sulaiman
A Promised Land
Other notables on the Grammy list: ABBA for Record of the Year(!); Jon Batiste got 11 nods for multiple projects; Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga; Willie Nelson; Dolly Parton; Burt Bacharach (at 93); and several for the late jazz great Chick Corea. The awards will be handed out on January 31st. And those kids better keep the noise down or I’m calling the police.
Have a happy humpday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial
”FBI Director Christopher Wray’s testimony is that kiddie pool water is the greatest threat to the homeland, and within that bucket, by far the largest kiddie pool is in Cheers and Jeers.”
From Daily Kos at Read More. This article is republished from DailyKos under an open content license. Read the original article at DailyKos.