Cheers and Jeers: Monday

Cheers and Jeers: Monday

Presidents’ Day Happy Fun Quiz

Woohoo! I’ve got my Millard Fillmore tree set up, Andy Williams’ classic It’s the Most Executive Branchful Time of the Year is playing on the Victrola, and all my coupons are clipped for BIG Pre$ident$’ Day $ale-a-bration $aving$ on every mattre$$ in the $tore! Here’s your annual quiz, which you may now complete to the best of your ability. Good luck:

1. Who claimed that God didn’t intend for humans to travel on trains at the “breakneck speed” of 15mph?
a) Van Buren  b) Jefferson  c) Washington  d) Buchanan

2. Name the president who liked to take his pet raccoon for walks around the White House grounds:
a) J.Q. Adams  b) Garfield  c) Coolidge  d) A. Johnson

3. Who said, “That [George Washington] was not a scholar is certain. That he was too illiterate, unread, unlearned from his station and reputation is equally past dispute”?
a) Madison  b) J. Adams  c) Hoover  d) Hayes

Continued on page 46…

4. Who was attacked during his campaign for not drinking enough liquor?
a) Garfield  b) Truman  c) Arthur  d) Polk

5. Whose high school football coach called him “one of the best pass receivers I had in 16 years as a coach”?
a) Kennedy  b) Ford  c) Biden  d) L. Johnson

This needs Biden added. His predecessor, not so much.

6. Who said of himself, “I always figured the American public wanted a solemn ass for president, so I went along with them”?
a) Monroe  b) Coolidge  c) B. Harrison  d) Tyler

7. This president said, “Soup is bipartisan. We can all agree on soup.”
a) George H.W. Bush  b) Cleveland  
c) Nixon  d) Obama

8. Whose chief of staff was upset to find that his boss hadn’t opened a critical briefing the night before because “The Sound of Music was on”?
a) Reagan  b) George W. Bush  c) Clinton   d) Kennedy

9. Who was ranked by the American people as the worst president in U.S. history in the latest YouGov poll?
a) Buchanan  b) Harding  c) Trump  d) Pierce

10. Twelve instruments—including four acoustic guitars, two ukuleles, and two mandolins—were made as part of a “legacy collection” using wood from this president’s own Paulownia trees:
a) Eisenhower  b) McKinley  c) Carter  d) Jackson

ANSWERS: 1) a  2) c  3) b  4) d  5) c  6) b  7) d  8) a  9) c  10) c

SCORING: 10 = You’re presidential material!  0-9 = Mistakes were made.

And now, our feature presentation…

Cheers and Jeers for Monday, February 15, 2021

Note: Due to the Presidents’ Day holiday, C&J will appear as scheduled. We regret the inconvenience.  —Mgt.

By the Numbers:

3 days!!!

Days ’til the Mars probe Perseverance lands: 3

Percent approval for President Biden in the latest Ipsos poll: 57%

Percent of the country that’ll need to be vaccinated before stringent Covid-prevention measures can be scaled back, according to Dr. Anthony Fauci: 75-80%

Rank of NV (60%), RI (45%), CO (44%), NM (44%), and ME (43%) among states with the highest share of women legislators: #1-5

Rank of LA (18%), SC (18%), MS (17%), TN (17%), and WY (16%) among states with the lowest share of women legislators: #46-50

Number of presidents born before the U.S. became a country: 8

Number of presidents who fought in the Civil War, all for the Union: 7

Puppy Pic of the Day: This mob needs better hitmen…

JEERS to pulling your punches. When word came down from CNN Friday night that Republican witnesses could personally attest that President Trump deliberately sat on his hands during the January 6 Capitol insurrection, it was quite a bombshell. (Even Rachel Maddow was like, ”Whaaa…???”) On Saturday morning, when a 55-46 vote formally green-lit the deposition of those witnesses, who would tell the chamber that Trump’s actions literally put the assembled House and Senate leaders—and also his Vice President—in mortal danger, it seemed like a gift from the gods. Instead, I think you can guess what happened next:

That momentary glow on the horizon wasn’t a sunrise after all. Just a candle that’s already blown out.

On the whole, history will remember the Democratic impeachment managers as true patriots.

Democrats folded after winning the vote to have witnesses. When Republicans held the majority last year, they took every possible step to help Trump evade justice. This year, after the tireless work of millions put Democrats in charge … they still would not call a witness.

The Senate, you see, wanted to get to work immediately on President Biden’s agenda. So the witness thing was scuttled, the vote to convict was 57-43 (all Dems plus 7 GOPers), Trump is free to run for office again, and now the Senate can get to work immediately on—[checks notes]—a week-long vacation. And our republic lived shakily ever after. The End.

CHEERS to an opposing viewpoint. No one will remember or care about what happened at the last minute, even if it was clumsy, chaotic and confusing. So now that the “political” trial is done, it’s time let fly the criminal charges. Where shall we start: the tax fraud, real estate fraud, bank fraud, the porn-star hush money, attempted rape, or the insurrection? Somebody spin the wheel.

JEERS to that thing that’s still with us over a year later. With one week before we start to see the results of the “Super Bowl Party Bump,” let’s check in and see how the Covid-19 pandemic numbers are doing. Worldwide there are now over 109 million cases—over a quarter of them in the U.S.  Here are this week’s domestic numbers for the C&J historical record, courtesy of the most depressing tote board in the world, as our death toll now exceeds the population of America’s 38th-largest city Kansas City, Missouri:

6 months ago: 5.5 million confirmed cases. 173,000 deaths.

3 months ago: 11 million confirmed cases. 251,000 deaths

Biden scores TWO. HUNDRED. MILLION. of these babies.

1 month ago: 25 million confirmed cases. 407,000 deaths

This morning: 28 million confirmed cases. 496,000 deaths

But given that we’re now living under the stable leadership of Democratic President Joseph R. Biden, there’s really good news: the president just secured a deal for 200 more million vaccine doses, meaning we could wrap this thing up before the first leaves of autumn start falling. If you’re wondering how he pulled that off, it’s pretty simple: he read all the how-to tips in The Art of the Deal and then did the exact opposite.

CHEERS to previews of coming attractions. As mentioned up top in “By the Numbers,” glorious United States Space Probe of Superior Victory for Homeland Perseverance will be landing on Mars this week. At the same time, glorious Peoples’ Republic of China Space Probe of Superior Victory for Homeland Tianwen-1 is making its own bit of history as it establishes orbit around the Red Planet. Here’s the dramatic footage released Friday of the big event taking place 295,000,000 miles away:

Not bad, China. Not bad. But in three days don’t be surprised if you hear NASA utter the immortal words of Confucius: “Hold my beer.”

BRIEF SANITY BREAK

Just a beaver eating cabbage.. Sound on pic.twitter.com/Ajydm0SN8m

— Buitengebieden (@buitengebieden_) February 10, 2021

END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

JEERS to the preparing for The Apostrolypse.  To help solve the mystery of how, exactly, one punctuates today’s holiday, over the weekend I performed my annual ritual of consulting the blizzard of ads appearing in The Portland (Maine) Press Herald and online to get some clarity.  This year’s batch:

Tempur-pedic: Presidents Day

LaZBoy: Presidents Day and President’s Day

8Sleep.com: Presidents Day

Hannaford Supermarkets: Presidents’ Day

Hub Furniture: Presidents Day

Oy.

Amazon.com: President’s Day

Home Depot: Presidents’ Day

Bed, Bath & Beyond: Presidents’ Day and Presidents Day

Overstock.com: Presidents Day

USA Today: Presidents Day and Presidents’ Day

Press Herald Auto Section: Presidents Day

Appliances Connection: President’s Day

Staples: Presidents’ Day

MattressFirm: Presidents Day

Macy’s: Presidents’ Day and Presidents Day

Our 2021 “12 Months of Squirrels” Wall Calendar: President’s Day

We trust this clears up any confusion for at least another year.

JEERS to incivility.  On this date in 1798, the House of Representatives was the site of the first congressional brawl, when much knocking of noggins occurred after a hurling of insults followed by Rep. Matthew Lyon (Democratic-Republican-VT) spitting in the face of Roger Griswold (Federalist-CT). Among the weapons that were wielded: fireplace tongs. Based on his expression, the guy recording the minutes just got tonged in the crotch…

And if you look in the lower left corner, you’ll see a dog is present in the chamber. That would be Thaddeus T. Woofington from the great state of New York. He only lasted one term. Once he got tax cuts for the Wilson company passed, he spent the rest of his life working a cushy job at a pro-tennis-ball think tank.

Ten years ago in C&J: February 15, 2011

JEERS to queries that make me queasy. Talk about railroading your viewers! A CNN reporter yesterday looked in the camera and asked her viewers to go to her site and answer the question: “What would it take to convince Americans to cut Social Security and Medicare?” What???  Talk about injecting your own personal bias into a question. Might as well ask, “What would it take to convince Americans to live their senior years in poverty and treat their cancer with gumdrops?” Gee, what would it would take to convince Americans to get your ass fired, anchor lady? More poll questions like that one, I expect.

And just one more…

CHEERS to hole foods. Now that our 45th president and his cabinet of villains is long gone, we can slowly get back to the important issues that got swept aside for things like kids in cages, the attempted destruction of our health care system, and a lunatic having possession of the nuclear codes. Topping the list: America’s best doughnuts. USA Today is on it:

The Dutch brought an ancestor of the modern doughnut to America in the early 19th century, in the form of deep-fried dough balls called olykoeks (literally “oily cakes”). A sailor named Hanson Crockett Gregory is credited with first putting holes in the oily cakes, either to avoid leaving a raw doughy middle when they cooked or so that he could store them on the spokes of his ship’s wheel for convenient snacking. […]

There are said to be more than 13,000 doughnut shops in the U.S. currently, counting both chains and independents. … According to Yelp, Boston is the per capita doughnut shop capital of America, with one such place for every 2,400 inhabitants. But every state has plenty of doughnut shops of its own, and 24/7 Tempo has compiled a list of the best example in every state, concentrating on independents and small chains.

You can find your state’s top doughnut joint here. My partner Michael can confirm under oath that The Holy Donut, dangerously located less than a mile from C&J HQ, is the best donut hole-in-the-wall in Maine. Their secret ingredient: mashed potatoes, which “gives the donuts a delicious moist texture that makes them just melt in your mouth.” Hey, want to secure your reelection in a landslide, Joe? Include a guaranteed monthly income to every American of one box of doughnuts. (I’ll waive my usual consulting fee—I just want what’s best for America. Which is doughnuts.)

Have a tolerable Monday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial

“So let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is getting stuck in an elevator with Bill in Portland.  I mean, amiright, people?  Amiright???”

—Franklin Roosevelt, a President


From Daily Kos at Read More. This article is republished from DailyKos under an open content license. Read the original article at DailyKos.

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