Cheers and Jeers: Monday

Cheers and Jeers: Monday

Great Moments in Looking Really Stupid

Eleven years ago, this idiot—Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council—opened his mouth hole as the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was in the process of being repealed:

” I know a lot of people point to militaries that have allowed homosexuality within the ranks—there’s twenty-five of almost two hundred nations but the top militaries in the world do not allow homosexuality to be openly engaged in, in the military—I mean, if you want a military that just does parades and stuff like that then I guess that’s okay.”

Well, guess what, Tony?

Continued…

Ten years ago today, the U.S. Army became the first military branch to officially announce that “Today marks the end of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. The law is repealed. From this day forward, gay and lesbian Soldiers may serve in our Army with the dignity and respect they deserve.” And since then, Tony, we’ve done a lot more than just parades:

»  We lost the war in Afghanistan.

»  We turned Iraq over to Iran sympathizers.

»  We abandoned our Kurdish allies.

»  We’ve bombed and killed more civilians than we can count.

» We’ve moved at a snail’s pace to deal with the epidemic of heterosexual male servicemembers sexually assaulting female servicemembers. 

»  And a whole bunch of military veterans, including sitting senators and representatives, took part in or actively supported, at the urging of a two-bit grifter president who frequently called servicemembers who died while protecting their country “losers” and “suckers,”  an attempt to overthrow the United States government.

See? Even with the DADT repeal, the military didn’t skip a beat. So I’ll tell ya what, Tony. Next time you plan on opening your big mouth to say something stupid like allowing gays in the military will lead to “just parades”? Don’t.  (Although that sure would be a refreshing change.)

And now, our feature presentation…

Cheers and Jeers for Monday, September 20, 2021

Note: Always get anything agreed to on a Monday in writing.  Can’t trust that day.  —Judge Judy

4 days!!!

By the Numbers:

Days ’til International Day of Sign Languages: 4

Days ’til the debut of Apple TV’s The Problem with Jon Stewart: 10

Increase in retail sales last month versus July: 0.7%

Increase in retail sales versus a year ago: 15.5%

Number of recreational visits to Yellowstone National Park last month, a record for the month of August: 920,000

Time it takes for sunlight to reach the earth: 8 minutes, 20 seconds

Percent chance that a Republican will compare apples to oranges during any given political policy discussion: 99.2%

Puppy Pic of the Day: Want a souvenir from the historic Inspiration4 space flight and also support St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital? Your own space puppy awaits adoption…

JEERS to the loneliest place on earth. Imagine being one of the jailed January 6th insurrectionists, and turning on the TV Saturday afternoon to see how many thousands—tens of thousands! of your fellow red-hatted freedom fighters showed up at the Capitol to demand your immediate release and exoneration, only to see that almost no one showed up. Man, talk about a bummer. But, there it is, guys and gals: your rescue party…

Even worse: the files that were baked into in all the cakes delivered to the incarcerated cultists over the weekend were just thumb drives containing the Hamster Dance. Man, you give the MyPillow guy one job…

CHEERS to gravity-defiance but in reverse. You can seal it in the history books, folks. (Well, at least until Texas decides that Critical Space Theory is demonic and must be purged from all the history books, but I digress.) A quartet of lucky ducks went up into the cosmos in a SpaceX Crew Dragon capsule, circled the globe at an altitude higher than the Space Station, and then safely splashed down on Saturday, making them the first all-civilian gaggle (Pod? Colony? Pack? Pillaging horde?) to emulate Mercury astronaut John Glenn’s landmark feat 60 years ago:

The group’s space trip ended with a splashdown at about 7:07 p.m. EST in the Atlantic Ocean off Florida. …

After Crew Dragon splashed down, it was hoisted onto the deck of SpaceX’s Go Searcher support ship and hazards, like any leftover toxic hypergolic propellants, were cleared before the hatch was opened. After a brief checkup from a physician, the four-person crew climbed out of their scorched Crew Dragon capsule and prepped for a helicopter flight back to the mainland.

Those four are now the luckiest civilians on Planet Earth today. Mainly because they can now win every single family or workplace argument with: “Oh yeah? Well have you been to outer space? I have!” I hate to admit it, but…they’ve got a point.

JEERS to the nexus of fear and politics. On today’s date in 2001, Governor Tom Ridge of Pennsylvania was named by President Bush to head the new Office of Homeland Security. During his tenure the color-coded terror alert system was created and, depending on which Tom Ridge you believe, the system was either manipulated by the Bush administration to influence the outcome of the 2004 election or not manipulated by the Bush administration to influence the outcome of the 2004 election.  Hint: The second Tom Ridge tied up the first Tom Ridge and locked him away in the attic with a rubber ball in his mouth and he was never seen again.

BRIEF SANITY BREAK

An ancient teapot found in Iran pic.twitter.com/VXkaW4lAas

— Banana for scale 🍌📏 (@scale_banana) September 16, 2021

END BRIEF SANITY BREAK

CHEERS to world peace…or a semi-close approximation thereof. If it’s autumn in New York, that means it’s General Assembly time! All the leaders of the universe are assembling at the United Nations for the 76th time in the annual contest to see which one can be the biggest public nuisance.

True Fact: The land for the United Nations building was donated by me without regard for its net worth. Also I paid for the third flagpole from the left.

This year’s event likely won’t be nearly as looney-toons as it was back when we had some real unstable goofballs wandering the hallways: Hugo Chavez (dead), Muammar Ghaddafi (dead), Mahmud Ahmadinejahd (now working the fry vat at the Tehran McDonald’s), Donald Trump (wedding crasher), and even Benjamin Netanyahu (now blessedly powerless and facing possible prison time for crimey stuff). Maybe that Brazilian wacko—who intends to show up unvaccinated—will drop some jaws, who knows. But perhaps the lack of nutty showboaters might mean something constructive may actually get done—a boy can dream.

Then, as custom now dictates, the General Assembly will close the session later this week with their time-honored tradition: the annual shredding of the diplomats’ unpaid parking tickets.

CHEERS to filling in for your boss. On this date in 1881, Chester Alan Arthur of the gilded and foppish Republican party was sworn in as the 21st president of the United States, following the unexpected meeting of an assassin’s bullet and James Garfield’s spine. (Or, more accurately, Garfield’s spine and his medical team’s unwashed hands.)

Arthur

The Chicago Tribune wrote of Arthur what it could easily be writing today about our previous president: “It requires a great deal for him to get to his desk and begin the dispatch of business. Great questions of public policy bore him. No President was ever so much given to procrastination as he is.” In Arthur’s defense, he suffered from an energy-robbing condition called Bright’s Disease, and he died of it shortly after leaving the White House. Trump, on the other hand, suffers from an even worse condition. It’s called Being Donald Trump Disease.

Ten years ago in C&J: September 20, 2011

JEERS to the end of an era. Inevitable but still unbelievable: as of Sunday, Borders Books & Music has ceased to exist. You can read all about it. Sadly, not at Borders.

And just one more…

CHEERS to our battered, bruised, and brittle parchment of liberty. I’m told it’s unconstitutional to allow a year to go by without acknowledging Constitution Day. So here we are, just a few days late. It was 234 years ago, on September 17, 1787, the U.S. Constitution was signed by delegates from 12 states. And you can thank a wily West Virginia Democrat for keeping it top-of-mind:

Constitution Day became a national observance in 2004, when Senator Robert Byrd passed a bill designating September 17 as the day for citizens to commemorate the signing of the U.S. Constitution and learn more about our founding document.

Senator Byrd once said, “Our ideals of freedom, set forth and realized in our Constitution, are our greatest export to the world.” … In honor of Constitution Day, all educational institutions receiving federal funding are required to hold an educational program pertaining to the U.S. Constitution.

Fun facts:

» At 81, Benjamin Franklin of Pennsylvania was the oldest delegate at the Constitutional Convention, and at 26 Jonathan Dayton of New Jersey was the youngest.

Someone take that poor thing to OfficeMax and laminate it.

» The original Constitution is on display at the National Archives in Washington, D.C. When the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, it was moved to Fort Knox for safekeeping.

» More than 11,000 amendments have been introduced in Congress. Thirty three have gone to the states to be ratified and twenty seven have received the necessary approval from the states to actually become amendments to the Constitution.

» The boogers stuck to the document represent the Dred Scott, Bush v. Gore and Citizens United decisions, along with the language about the electoral college.

Got what it takes to be a constitutional scholar? Take the 10-question quiz here and the 50-question mega quiz here.

It should be noted that Republicans care very deeply about the Constitution, and pledge to fight tooth and nail for every single word. But, oddly, only During Democratic presidencies.

Oh, and apparently Canada is voting in elections today. May the best Justin Trudeau win. Have a tolerable Monday. eh. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?

Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial

Pope Francis said Wednesday he didn’t understand why people refuse to splash in the Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool, saying “humanity has a history of friendship with Bill in Portland Maine,” and that serene discussion about rubber duckies was necessary to help them.

AP

From Daily Kos at Read More. This article is republished from DailyKos under an open content license. Read the original article at DailyKos.

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