Late Night Snark: The SCOTUS Empire Strikes Back Edition
“It looks very likely that Roe v. Wade will soon be overturned. The truth is, this is the culmination of a 50-year plan for the conservative movement to reshape the courts for this very purpose. Say what you want about it, but you gotta admit the conservative movement is just that dedicated to protecting life. I mean, not protecting life from coronavirus. Or school shootings. Or lack of health care. Or climate change. Or poverty. Or homelessness. Or…”
“The White House revealed their decorations for the holiday season. First Lady Jill Biden said the White House Christmas theme this year is Gifts From the Heart. It’s a significant departure from former First Lady Melania Trump’s theme, which was Dead on the Inside.”
You are now below the fold. This is where things get really mediocre.
“The World Health Organization designated a new variant of concern, and gave it the not-at-all sinister name ‘The Omicron Variant.’ It sounds like the title of a Robert Ludlum novel, but omicron is in fact the 15th letter in the Greek alphabet. The WHO chose to skip a few, because “nu” is too easily confused with “new,” and they claim “xi” was not used because it’s a common last name. But we all know it’s the surname of Chinese president Xi Jinping. And you can’t piss off world leaders. They learned that the hard way after being sued in the 1890s by Belgian premier Henri Chlamydia.”
“President Biden held a press conference and told Americans that the new variant is cause for concern, not a cause for panic. And Americans were like, well in that case we’ll just buy ten pallets of toilet paper instead of twelve.”
You know who’s really upset today? The makers of New Variant beer.
—Conan O’Brien on Twitter
“Republican congressman Jim Jordan revealed in a new interview that he had the coronavirus over the summer and refused to say whether he’s received the vaccine. Well, ‘refused to say’ is a pretty big clue. No one refuses to say when they do the right thing. ‘Did you pull all of those children out of that burning building, sir?’ ‘I’d rather not say. Rescuing children is a personal decision.'”
And one year ago:
“Attorney general William Barr just announced that he has not uncovered any evidence of widespread voter fraud that would change the outcome of the 2020 presidential election. It’s so weird that they didn’t find evidence of the very thing they never backed up with any evidence.”
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 3, 2021
Note: As of this weekend you may now officially start walking in a winter wonderland. Wear sturdy shoes, always pass slower walkers on the left, and watch out for Parson Brown and his “grabby hands.” —Dept. of Public Safety
By the Numbers:
Days ’til 2022: 29
Days ’til The Book of Boba Fett drops at Disney+: 26
Date the first U.S. case—in California—of the covid Omicron variant was announced: 12/1/21
Number of active medical residents in, respectively, 2020 and 2021, according to the AAMC: 140K, 145K
Minimum number of witnesses who have testified so far before the House Jan. 6 select committee: 250
Percent of interior designers who say their business grew during the covid pandemic, according to Business of Home: 90%
Percent of Mainers over 5 now fully vaccinated: 72%
Puppy Pic of the Day: C&J’s rescue lab-mix watchdog Haley…on the job
CHEERS to Round 2. It’s official. Down Georgia-way, voter registration titan Stacey Abrams is running for governor…
…with a pledge to fight for economic equality and expand health care access, setting up a potential rematch against Republican Gov. Brian Kemp in one of the nation’s most competitive political battlegrounds.
Go get ‘em, Stacey.
The Democrat announced her campaign with a video that highlighted her work in the state since her narrow 2018 defeat to Kemp, along with a message that “opportunity and success in Georgia shouldn’t be determined by your ZIP code, background or access to power.”
Her decision, long expected by local Democrats, clears the way for what could be a titanic showdown between two longtime political rivals.
Very exciting. In fact, I don’t know who’s more thrilled about it: Democrats for having a candidate who can win the election, or Republicans for having a voting law that can overturn it. Watch this space.
CHEERS to sweet victory. Speaking of elections, on Sunday’s date in 1792, George Washington won his reelection. It was a brutal campaign. His challenger was a real jerk named…um…George Washington. Watching him debate himself was actually a little creepy:
Fact: Washington’s win was due to a little girl’s suggestion that he grow whiskers.
”Thou can’st sticketh a rubber—or rubber-like, depending upon the seasonal availability of materials—hose uppeth thy snooty Virginia nose.”
“Thy wife weareth the boots of a paymaster in the Continental Army!”
“Okay, okay…thou hast me there, I concedeth the point.”
“Then bullocks to you, I win!”
Did I mention he owned his own distillery?
CHEERS to the least-loved game show in America. Welcome to Wheel of Wreckage! The exciting topics on today’s wheel are: “Omicron Set To Destroy Fragile U.S. Covid Recovery,” “Supreme Court Set To Destroy Women’s Control Of Their Own Bodies,” “Climate Change Set To Destroy All Hope For All Future Generations,” “Republicans Set To Destroy American Democracy,” “Russia Set To Ignite World War III,” and “Media Set To Destroy Objectivity With Bothsiderism.” Let’s give the wheel a good, robust spin. Whatever space it lands on will be the subject of a five-thousand word essay by me that’s so dark and foreboding it’ll make you shit where you sit. Here we go…
CLACKA CLACKA CLACKA CLACKA CLACKA Clackackackacka Clack…Clack……
Oh dear. The Wheel of Wreckage exploded. Now we’ll have to haul our backup, the Wheel of Puppies, Unicorns, and Rainbows, out of storage. Great. Goodbye, weekend naps.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to new discoveries. 25 years ago this week—ah, 1996, those golden Clinton years—during its Pathfinder mission NASA sent a six-wheeled rover called Sojourner to roam the surface of another planet and gather rocks. Moments after landing, the space agency got a call from Newt Gingrich asking them to please come get it off his head.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Remember the days when the TV had to “warm up” for like 60 seconds or more before it would even think of giving you a picture, and the channel changer went ka-CHUNK ka-CHUNK? Ha ha, good times.
Raise your hand if your old plastic channel changer inevitably cracked and nothing you tried could fix it so you had to use pliers from that moment on.
For news junkies, the weekend starts tonight with Chris Hayes, Rachel Maddow and Lawrence O’Donnell making sense out of chaos on MSNBC. Tonight at 11, Will Smith and Lin-Manuel Miranda are guests on The Graham Norton Show (BBC America). The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NFL schedule is here, the NBA schedule is here, and the NHL schedule is here. SNL is a rerun with host Rami Malek and musical guest Trained Labradoodle, but not before NBC’s annual airing of It’s A Wonderful Life tomorrow night starting at 8.
Sunday on 60 Minutes: a story on former NSA contractor Reality Winner and why she leaked classified documents to the media related to Russia’s cyberwarfare on the 2016 elections, and a profile of Gucci creative director Alessandro Michele. The Simpsons, an encore of A Springfield Summer Christmas for Christmas, after which you can catch LL Cool J hosting the National Christmas Tree lighting special on CBS.
Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
This Week: President of Moderna Dr. Stephen Hodge
CNN’s State of the Union: Doc Fauci; Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN); Sen. Chris Murphy (D-CT); Gov. Tate Reeves (CULT-MS).
Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, who will be on CBS and Fox Sunday, hugs his five-year-old son after his vaccine shot. “He was a little nervous when the time came but all smiles afterward. He’s been proudly showing off his ‘I’m vaccinated’ sticker.”
Face the Nation: Surgeon General Vivek Murthy; Gov. Ned Lamont (D-CT); former FDA commissioner Scott Gottlieb; WHO’s Covid-19 technical lead Dr. Maria Van Kerkhove; Illumina CEO Francis DeSouza on Covid-19 mutation surveillance and sequencing.
Meet the Press: Sens. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) and Mike Braun (CULT-IN); NIH Director Dr. Francis Collins.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Surgeon General Vivek Murthy; Space Force (the real one, not the hilarious Netflix comedy series starring Steve Carell) Vice Chief of Space Operations General David Thompson; Sen. Joni Ernst (CULT-IA); former Under Secretary of Defense for Policy Michèle Flournoy.
Ten years ago in C&J: December 3, 2011
JEERS to bigger time wasters than Angry Birds. My headline for Saturday’s major announcement: Cain Bails, Atlas Shrugs. Yes, Herman Cain, who offered absolutely nothing but platitudes for the gullible, and facepalms for the rest of us, bowed out of the GOP presidential race. This bit of departing wisdom rivals Sarah Palin’s “Only dead fish go with the flow” as the silliest line by a cut-and-runner:
“We will move the shining city on the hill back to the hilltop.”
How inconsequential was Cain’s departure, seeing as everyone knew from Day 1 that he was not going to be the last man standing? Let me put it this way: MSNBC gave Chris Hayes approximately 3 minutes for analysis, and then they promptly returned to their prison documentaries. But I do feel some sadness after watching Cain shuffle off to spend more time with his family’s couch. Mainly because he promised he’d be back. [12/3/21 Update: The only shuffling Cain did after leaving his campaign was shuffling off his mortal coil in 2020 after being murdered with Covid-19 by the Republican President of the United States. He won’t be back.]
And just one more…
CHEERS to blowing this popsicle stand. Whenever the shit gets too deep here on the bluish-brown marble, I head over to NASA’s site to see if our new Space Force is conquering every ball of gas and rock in the known galaxy. Sorry to say the answer is “not yet,” so we’ll just have to spend our days and nights gazing yonward and dreaming of death stars and cloaked Klingon vessels. This month’s major celestial events include some cool comet action and the moon visiting our neighbors. Here’s NASA’s Preston Dyches with a preview:
Preston forgot to mention another major December space event: Boba Fett lands on Tatooine and claims Jabba the Hutt’s throne on the 29th. No biggie. We all make mistakes. But I still want that man fired.
Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
From Daily Kos at Read More. This article is republished from DailyKos under an open content license. Read the original article at DailyKos.