Late Night Snark: Golden State Victory Dance Edition
“Last night California Governor Gavin Newsom survived a recall effort with almost 64 percent of the vote. Sorry, California Republicans. I know you spent 20 months and millions of dollars on this recall. But you know what they say: You win some…but not in California.”
“The race was called for Newsom less than an hour after the polls closed. Less than an hour. It’s amazing how fast an election can end when Rudy Giuliani isn’t involved.”
“Being president isn’t a fun job right now. Climate change, murder hornets, and of course the relentlessly-maddening fact that Joe Biden has to ask people to take a life-saving vaccine. It’s like if we’re skydiving and he has to convince us to open our parachutes.”
“Like many Americans, we were excited when Biden announced new COVID vaccine mandates affecting about 100-million Americans. Why? Because we’d like life to return back to a normal that doesn’t involve getting yelled at by psychopaths while shopping for fruit.”
“According to a new book, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Mark Milley took steps after January’s Capitol attack to limit former President Trump’s ability to launch a nuclear strike. Specifically, he changed the launch code to 1-1-1-1-2.”
“George W. Bush gave a really beautiful speech about unity and democracy at a 9/11 anniversary ceremony. He skipped the pages about opening torture chambers and invading random countries that had nothing to do with 9/11, but aside from that, a beautiful speech.”
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 17, 2021
Note: Tomorrow is National False Accusation Day. Or as the party of our previous president calls it: a day ending in y.
By the Numbers:
89 days to get the shot. (Apparently Space Force is exempt?)
Days ’til the elections in Virginia: 46
Date by which U.S. servicemembers must be vaccinated or face suspension or discharge: 12/15/21
Portion of Americans who have died of Covid-19, according to a CNN analysis of Johns Hopkins University and US Census Bureau data: 1-in-500
Current percent of Maine school staff vaccinated: 77%
Number of Americans who signed up for Obamacare plans during the recent special enrollment period that ended last month: 2.8 million
Estimated amount that chimp J. Fred Muggs brought in for NBC when he co-hosted the Today Show from 1953 to 1957: $100 million
Puppy Pic of the Day: Meet the Kindergarten Class of 2021 at the Duke Canine Cognition Center (and their photo shoot from hell)…
CHEERS to fun with numbers. The California recall election is finally in the $300 million rear-view mirror. Now that things have settled down some, it’s time for the media to advance from its “Newsom could lose!!!” mass hysteria to Phase 2: the takeaways. Let us count a few:
The Uprising has 3 takeaways
The Associated Press has 5 takeaways
U.S. News & World Report has 5 takeaways
Yahoo News has 5 takeaways
A liquid-based takeaway.
The Los Angeles Times has 5 takeaways
The Hill has 7 takeaways
Roll Call has 9 takeaways
Mic only has 1 takeaway…but they say it’s a BIG one!
My takeaway: Democrats rule, Republicans drool. (I’m a stickler for simplicity. And accuracy.)
JEERS to more idjits at the gate. The metal fencing once again encircles the Capitol building. The ranks of the Capitol Police and National Guard are beefed up. The mashed potato catapults stand at the ready. And you and I are footing the bill for the beefed-up protection of our legislative branch from another Republican mob that will descend on D.C. tomorrow. And what are they protesting? Well, apparently they’re unhappy with the way law enforcement is holding their comrades who stormed the Capitol on January 6th to account for—[checks notes]—breaking shit, stealing shit, smearing literal shit on the walls, beating the shit out of the police, and basically acting like the shit-for-brains they are. But anyway…
Much has changed since the deadly insurrection attempt by supporters of former President Donald Trump: Three new officials oversee Capitol security, Congress has ramped up its oversight, and the law enforcement agency at the center of it all is in the midst of a transformation that follows intense turmoil.
Here we go again.
While a top FBI official recently said there’s no credible information suggesting violence is planned for Saturday’s rally, congressional leaders say U.S. Capitol Police will be ready for whatever comes their way.
I think it’ll be a smaller turnout than the 700 attendees they’re predicting—the fence kind of kills the buzz, and Senator Josh Hawley won’t be there to fist-pump them on to glory. But, as usual, the low melanin content of their skin will ensure that they’re treated gently, kindly, and patiently by law enforcement. I hear the zip ties will be made of the finest chiffon.
CHEERS to the Bush appointee who knew when to call it a day. Happy Birthday to former Supreme Court Justice David Souter, who turns 82 today. He was appointed by George H.W. Bush, who thought Souter’s rulings would lean towards the “right.” Fortunately, Souter interpreted the word to mean “correct” and “fair,” not “conservative.”
Happy birthday, Dave. (Can I call ya Dave?)
I’d love to be able to thank him in person one of these days for not leaving the bench during 43’s reign, sparing America from having a “Justice Alberto Gonzales” (and then retiring at 70 to enjoy life at his New Hampshire cabin and make room for a younger liberal justice—Sonia Sotomayor). If they ever start handing out a Presidential Medal of Republic Preservation, he should be among those at the front of the line.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to notable promotions. On September 18 in the year 335, Dalmatius was raised to the rank of Caesar by his uncle Constantine I. Historians believe Constantine had a bad case of the flu at the time. When asked out of concern what his temperature was, he responded: “101, Dalmatius.”
CHEERS to home vegetation. Quick roundup of TV-type stuffs on the weekend platter-o-plenty. Tonight starts with the unpacking of the Friday news dumps on MSNBC with Chris, Rachel, and Lawrence. Then on HBO’s Real Time (10PM), libertarian snowflake Bill Maher talks with Dan Savage, Pulitzer-winning historian Anne Applebaum of The Atlantic, and Gillian Tett of The Financial Times.
The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NFL schedule is here. The WNBA schedule is here, and the baseball lineup is here. And speaking of sports, Ken Burns’ latest documentary is a four-parter on Muhammad Ali, and it debuts Sunday night at 8ET on PBS.
Also at 8 Sunday: on ABC, Cedric the Entertainer hosts The Emmy Awards. I may be going out on a limb here, but all my money’s on The Huntley-Brinkley Report, The Banana Splits (including Danger Island), Cop Rock, and Mannix. If I win ‘em all, I can retire for life.
Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Doc Fauci; Sen. Bill Cassidy (Cult-LA).
Also on the Sunday guest list: the policy director of Unicorns for Sensible Tort Reform.
This Week: Doc Fauci; former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Admiral Mike Mullen.
Face the Nation: Bernie!!! Plus NIH director Dr. Francis Collins; United Airlines CEO Scott Kirby, and former FDA director Scott Gottlieb.
CNN’s State of the Union: Doc Fauci; Mississippi’s deathmongering governor Tate Reeves.
Fox GOPTalking Points Sunday: House Budget Committee Chairman John Yarmuth (D-KY).
Ten years ago in C&J: September 17, 2011
JEERS to whitewashing history. Over at right-wing website Newsmax, columnist Ronald Kessler writes about a new book in which it’s claimed that George W. Bush was “forgiving.” Actually, this is true. George W. Bush was for giving tax breaks to millionaires, for giving appointments to unqualified idiots, for giving torture treatments to terrorist suspects, for giving the middle class the finger, for giving New Orleans the cold shoulder, for giving huge bailouts to the banks, for giving Osama bin laden an escape route, for giving China control of our financial future, for giving our jobs to India… Thank god he left when he did. Any more forgiveness and he would’ve killed us all.
And just one more…
CHEERS to The Swashbucklin’ Nineteenth. Avast me hearties and suchlike. It’s me, Captain Billybeard, fear-instiller of the deep blue kiddie pool. For thems who don’t knows, Sunday is the blow-me-downest day of the year: International Talk Like A Pirate Day. And arrrway we go…
President Biden: “By 2035 we’ll all be drivin’ electric carrrs!“
American worker: “Thanks to those greedy bastards on Wall Street, I may never get to retarrr!“
Winston Churchill: “Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves, that if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, ‘This was their finest arrr!’“
It’s Sunday. You’ve been warned. (And please: it’s “Arrr,” not “Arrrgh.”)
Daily Kos blogger: ”My favorite front-pager is the Morrill lass named Barrrrb.”
Daily Kos blogger with opposing view: “My favorite front-pager is the Joan they call McCarrrter.”
Judge, sometime in 2022: “I sentence ye, Donald J. Trump, to twenty years behind barrrrs.”
Buzz Aldrin: “To Marrrs!“
Interior Secretary Deb Haaland: “Come one, come all, to visit our national parrrks.“
Red-hatted End Times fanatic: “Prepare ye for Arrrrmageddon.”
Driving instructor: “Put it in Parrrrk.”
Theatre Critic: “Don’t miss the revival of Streetcarrr Named Desarrr!“
Democratic strategist: “That Buttigieg lad is a rising starrr.”
Postal abbreviation of Bill Clinton’s home state: AR
Trump’s legal team: “Ready! Farrr! Aim!”
Thanks for reading. You’ve been a swarrrthy arrdience.
Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
From Daily Kos at Read More. This article is republished from DailyKos under an open content license. Read the original article at DailyKos.