Late Night Snark: Science Saved Us Edition
“This is amazing news, people. America approved a vaccine on Friday night and people started getting it this morning. It’s still going to be a huge lift to get it out of the lab and into the hospitals because the vaccine needs to be stored at temperatures that are negative 100 degrees Fahrenheit. At that temperature the only people trained to handle it are specialists with protective gear, and that one white dude who always wears shorts in the winter.”
“Yesterday it came out that White House staffers would get the vaccine early. But then Trump backtracked and tweeted that they wouldn’t. Trump said his people don’t need any special treatment. Then he went back to pardoning all of them.”
“Mike Pence is scheduled to get his first of two Pfizer shots. I think it’s worth mentioning that Pence, who’s head of the covid task force, wrote an op-ed in the Wall Street Journal six months ago saying there would be no second wave of the virus, it was nothing but hysteria from the media. So maybe save that dose for somebody else. The only cure Mike Pence should get right now is a bottle of Clorox and a heat lamp.”
“They unveiled the post-shot sticker: Crushing Covid-19, Got My Vaccine. A much better rhyme than 1885’s Immune From Cholera, Now Back To A Life Of Squalor-a.”
“I might have to remind Pfizer I’ve been a preferred customer since 2002.”
“Kelly Loeffler, one of the richest androids in the Senate, and David Perdue, a guy who definitely pronounces it ‘vaginer,’ have joined forces on a unity ticket, competing as a blindingly white powerhouse. Loeffler and Perdue have attacked their opponents, Rev. Warnock and Ossoff, painting them as socialists, even though their policies are moderate. If there were anything they could criticize Warnock and Ossoff for, it’s for having those names and not being a figure skating team.”
“Doctors say that a woman has given birth to a baby that came from an embryo frozen 27 years ago. Said the baby: ‘You picked this year???'”
—Colin Jost, SNL
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, December 18, 2020
Note: Please be aware that the Baldwin sisters’ eggnog is likely spiked with moonshine. Ike Godsey has pulled it from the shelves at the general store and the proper Nelson County authorities have been notified. —Mgt.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til inauguration day: 33
Percent of Americans polled by the Kaiser Family Foundation who say they’ll get the coronavirus vaccine, up from 63% in August: 71%
Rank of “Republicans,” “30-to-49-year-olds,” and “rural residents” among the top groups most resistant to getting the vaccine (the least-resistant group: “Democrats”): #1, #2, #3
Percent chance that, when confirmed as Transportation Secretary, Pete Buttigieg, 38, will be the youngest cabinet member since Alexander Hamilton: 100%
Drop in retail sales in November, the largest in 7 months: -1.1%
Percent chance that Andrew Yang has a serious shot at becoming the next mayor of New York City: 100%
Number of theaters in which Star Wars IX opened one year ago: 4,200
Puppy Pic of the Day: Weekend plans…
CHEERS to metaphors on steroids. Just days after the worst president in U.S. history flees Washington to avoid the gallows, an event will take place in Atlantic City that’ll remind the world that everything he touches dies. And you can be the one to do the reminding:
One of President Donald Trump’s former Atlantic City casinos will be blown up next month, and for the right amount of money, you could be the one to press the button that brings it down. The demolition of the former Trump Plaza casino will become a fundraiser to benefit the Boys &Girls Club of Atlantic City that the mayor hopes will raise in excess of $1million.
Opened in 1984, Trump’s former casino was closed in 2014 and has fallen into such a state of disrepair that demolition work began earlier this year. The remainder of the structure will be dynamited on Jan. 29. […]
The Boys & Girls Club has hired a professional auction company to solicit bids from Thursday through Jan. 19, when the top bids will be revealed and a live auction will determine a winner.
If you submit the winning bid, please detonate responsibly: with pinky extended.
P.S. I retract my bid. Please proceed…
JEERS to a very covid Christmas. I wish I could say Americans were smart and considerate enough to avoid causing a post-Thanksgiving surge of coronavirus cases, but no dice. And with Baby Jesus’s birthday a week away, Dr. Anthony Fauci is probably wasting his breath in urging us to maybe, pretty please, be smart and considerate enough to avoid a post-Christmas surge:
“[My kids] are not going to come home. That’s painful. We don’t like that. But that’s just one of the things you’re going to have to accept as we go through this unprecedented challenging time. … Stay at home as much as you can, keep your interactions to the extent possible to members of the same household. This cannot be business as usual this Christmas because we’re already in a very difficult situation, and we’re going to make it worse, if we don’t do something about it.”
Here, to put that in blunt-speak for the thick-headed jerks who think this is all just a hoax or a something something deep state socialism plot, is George Clooney via The Howard Stern Show:
“This thought where everybody is like, ‘Well, it’s my freedom.’ That’s not how this shit works, dumbass. Your freedom is this: You’re free to smoke until your lungs turn black, but you can’t do it on the bus. And you’re free to drink until your liver comes out your ass, but you can’t drink and then get behind the wheel of a car. Put on a fucking mask and we’ll get through this. We’ve got vaccines coming—let’s save another 60,000 lives before the vaccines.”
There’s freedom, and then there’s freedumb. Choose wisely. A message from this station and the Ad Council.
CHEERS to home sweet teeth-chattering home. On tomorrow’s date in 1777, George Washington parked his 11,000 troops at Valley Forge for the winter. The General knew how to rally his men:
“Look, all we need to do, guys, is invent central heating after creating a regional power grid and it’ll be just like Club Med! Plus I know a great caterer and he’ll be along just as soon as we invent the smartphone app.”
Needless to say, it was a very long winter.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to Springsteen’s turf. Happy anniversary, New Jersey, where the official dinosaur is the Hadrosaurus Foulkii, the official shell is the knobbed whelk, and the official color is spray-on orange. You became our third state on December 18, 1787. I looked it up, and the traditional gift for year 233—same as years 1 though 232—is “bling.” Plus: be sure to enjoy the gift of giving New York the finger this evening. I mean, why mess with a daily ritual just because it’s your birthday?
CHEERS to home vegetation. Weekend TV gets off to a fast start tonight with Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow doing the Friday news dump thing on MSNBC … Olaf’s Frozen Adventure and Shrek the Halls on ABC … and Wonder Woman Gal Gadot on The Graham Norton Show (BBC America).
The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewed here at Rotten Tomatoes. The NBA schedule is here, the NFL schedule is here, and the Pro Tiddlywinks schedule is here. Tomorrow night at 8 on NBC, John legend hosts the Global Citizen Prize special. And Santa delivers a late-night early present tomorrow when goddess Kristen Wiig returns to SNL.
On 60 Minutes: Pfizer vaccine researcher Kathrin Jansen on why her fight against Covid-19 is personal, and Justice Defenders teaches law to imprisoned men and women in Africa. And the weekend wraps up Sunday night with an epic duel between the Browns-Giants football game on NBC, Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood Live on CBS, and The Sound of Music on ABC. Bill in Portland Maine’s pro tip: never bet against Julie Andrews—ever. Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Incoming U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy and CDC whistleblowers Kyle McGowan and Amanda Campbell; former White House cybersecurity guy Chris Krebs weighs in on the hack by Russia that our current president willingly let happen.
This Week: The Biden administration’s Secretary of Energy Jennifer Granholm; Sen. Mark Warner (D-VA); HHS guy Admiral Brett P. Giroir, M.D.; and for comic relief, Rahm Emanual shows up to whine and complain that Biden isn’t picking him for anything.
Face the Nation: Joe Biden’s Chief of Staff Ron Klain; Federal Reserve Bank of San Francisco president Mary Daly; FireEye CEO Kevin Mandia; Eli Lily CEO David Ricks; Surgeon General Jerome Adams.
CNN’s State of the Union: The Biden administration’s Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg; White House vaccine guy Dr. Moncef Slaoui; former White House cybersecurity guy Chris Krebs.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Biden press secretary Jen Psaki; Sen. John Barrasso (Trump Cult-WY).
Ten years ago in C&J: December 18, 2010
[FACEPALM] to today’s Facepalm Moment. Michelle Bachmann has just been given a seat on—are you sitting down?—the House Intelligence Committee. Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano is resting comfortably under sedation.
And just one more…
CHEERS to wassailing for wankers. Poor Mike Pence. Not only does he know there’s a zero percent chance he’ll ever become president, but he can also feel the hot breath of federal investigators sniffing around his front door, wondering what he knew and when he knew it, fully cognizant that he’s the one guy his boss, the president, will forget to issue a pardon to before leaving office. Sad! So, to buck up their spirits during this festive time of year, I asked Mike and his family to once again lead us in a rousing rendition of Deck the Halls. Having no memory of how this turned out last year, they happily they accepted. And a’ one and a’ two…
“Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Fa la la la la
la la la la
Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la la
la la la la
Don we now our g.…
Oh, very funny. Ha…Ha…Ha…”
Oh, darn. They left without taking their coal.
Have a great last weekend of fall. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
From Daily Kos at Read More. This article is republished from DailyKos under an open content license. Read the original article at DailyKos.