Energize An Ally Tuesday
I need you to make a huge donation today. But not money. Just a handful of positive “Big-D” vibes sent in the general vicinity of—[gestures wildly with index finger]—California, where perfectly-decent governor Gavin Newsom is facing a bullshit recall election because a hive of Trump cultists threw a bunch of petition signatures at the wall and enough of ‘em stuck. (I won’t even go into the mechanics of the recall ballot system except to say that I’ve rarely seen one so ripe for a major overhaul.)
By my rudimentary calculation, a Newsom win would result in—[Clackity Clack Clack Clackity Ding!]—major humiliation for the Republican party, while casting the state in a favorable light for refusing to reward the party that lies, cheats, and steals over the party that doesn’t.
“Let’s tamp this mini-insurrection down and get back to work, ‘k?”
On that score, C&J offers a preemptive tip of the hat to the stalwart heroes of this and every election at every level: the poll workers, tabulators, and supervisors who bust their humps to make sure things are done with integrity and transparency. May every Republican who falsely casts them as villains develop horrible itchy rashes until they either repent or die and go to Hell, whichever comes first.
Things are looking decent for Governor Newsom, as it’s slowly dawned on Californians that his likely Republican successor would be a Black guy so lost in the weeds that he believes that slave owners were the real persecuted ones during the Civil War. Everybody just pause for a moment to let that sink in.
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, September 14, 2021
Note: The street sweepers were out in force yesterday in our neighborhood. Good news: the old lady next door managed to get out of the way in time. Bad news: her walker now belongs to the ages.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til the next Republican terrorist rally around the Capitol: 4
Days ’til Talk Like A Pirate Day: 5
Number of states (VT, MA, CT) where 2/3 of their population is fully vaccinated and have the lowest new Covid-19 cases per capita over the past week, according to the CDC: 3
Percent of Americans polled in 2001 after the 9/11 attacks who said they’d be willing to give up some of the liberties we have in this country in order for the government to crack down on terrorism: 66%
Percent of Americans polled in 2021 by CBS News who say federal personal privacy laws changed for the better after 9/11: 23%
Percent who say they believe airport security changed for the better: 63%
Percent by which middle-aged Americans are less likely to die of any cause if they walk 7,000 steps a day, compared with those who walk less, according to research in the Journal of the American Medical Association: 50%
Puppy Pic of the Day: Covid-sniffing dogs join the fight…
[SHRUG EMOJI] to abettors in blue. Remember that time on January 6th when there was an insurrection by Republican cultists at the Capitol? Remember how we all liveblogged it and tweeted about it in real time as we watched it unfold on the TV? And remember how we saw some Capitol cops doing outrageous things like opening barricades for the cultists, waving them in, chatting them up, and directing them where to go to make the insurrection the swellest it could be? And remember how we were all like, “What the f*ck are those cops doing??? They are so going to prison for aiding and abetting traitors.” Well, the investigation into those crimey Capitol cops is over, all neat and tidy-like:
Disciplinary action has been recommended for six U.S. Capitol Police officers following an internal investigation into the deadly Jan. 6 attack at the Capitol, the U.S. Capitol Police said.
I hope this guy at least got a purple nurple.
An investigation by the department’s Office of Professional Responsibility (OPR) found three cases of unbecoming conduct, one case of failure to comply with directives, one case of improper remarks, and one case of improper dissemination of information related to the attack, the Capitol Police announced Saturday. […]
The U.S. Attorney’s Office also did not find sufficient evidence that any of the officers committed a crime, the Capitol Police said.
The investigation was so above-board and transparent that we’re not allowed to know who the dirty cops are, or even what they did to warrant their apparent slaps on the wrist. But the point is, we all lived happily ever after. The End.
CHEERS to easy lay-ups. Speaking of the insurrection, did you hear the latest jaw-dropper from the latest tell-all book about the previous First Lady? According to former press secretary Stephanie Grisham’s account, Melania Trump was asked if she’d like a tweet sent out from her account during the thick of the attack on the Capitol that said “Peaceful protests are the right of every American, but there is no place for lawlessness and violence.” Said Melania: “No.” Her reason: she was too busy preparing for a photo shoot of a rug she had selected. Golly, I didn’t know she photographed all of her husband’s toupees!
Yessss. Billy’s still got it.
CHEERS to the new talkie machine on the block. For just $799—plus tax, title, licensing fee, twenty-year wireless contract, first-born child, and $50 extra for rust-proofing and mud flaps—you can have an iPhone 13 of your very own. The latest model gets unveiled today by executives in turtlenecks taking turns walking around on-stage muttering, “Hmm, that’s weird—it worked fine in rehearsal” to wild distorted cheers and applause from their millions of Zoom watchers. Here are some exciting new features in the new model:
» 34xT569yu to replace the 34xT569yt
» Ice cream maker
Exclusive look at the iPhone 13, debuting today.
» Murder hornet repellent
» fRPohtRtEty technology
» 18 cameras with free six-count starter pack of flash bulbs
» Fully dockable with the International Space Station
» Bionic arm that can whip a peach pit with 100% accuracy from 80 yards
» Optional 23iTT59097 pack to enhance the 34xT569yu (But don’t use it to enhance your 5675jg77 or the room’s gonna get real smoky real fast.)
» Butt-ID unlocking feature
» Manufactured with new and improved Chinese child labor
» Tim Cook will have a drone come to your house and deliver a pot pie he made himself with his own two hands and lots of love
Sadly, no room in it for a phone.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
JEERS to getting Second Amendmented. On September 14, 1901, our 25th president, William McKinley, died from an assassin’s bullet at the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo, New York. Several years back, Ohioans and conservatives in general went nuts when President Obama granted native Alaskans their wish to revert Mount McKinley back to its original name, Denali. A popular question asked by proponents of the move was, “What did McKinley do that was so great he warranted his own iconic mountain?” I had to think for a bit, but I managed to come up with one: he picked a helluva vice president.
JEERS to Captain Pussyfoot. Let’s check in with Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer and see how his odd Farewell/Not Farewell tour is going:
“Am I leaving the bench under my own steam? Maybe. Am I going to die on the bench? Well, I hope not but who’s to say? Tee hee hee. I might or I might not, or I might not not not, which is a triple-negative which means…….oh, now I’m confused like a giddy little school boy!
Smirky smirk smirk
But seriously, yes, I will retire…not!!! Ha ha, you shoulda seen the look on your face! Ha ha ha!!! Here, pull mah finger.
So, in conclusion: am I retiring from the bench, or am I dying on the bench? Perhaps a box of jelly doughnuts might coax the answer out of me. Or you could strip down to your skivvies and sing a few bars of America the Beautiful. Here, put this Viking helmet on first…”
He’ll be on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert tonight, during which I’m sure he’ll clear everything up. Or…will he? Tee hee hee.
Ten years ago in C&J: September 14, 2011
CHEERS to getting ’em hooked up young. Ah, to be a kid again. At Auburn’s Washburn Elementary School here in our fair state of Maine, kindergarten students are, for the first time, each getting a shiny new iPad to start off the school year. So far the response has been mixed. The kids say they make great milk-and-cookie trays, but lousy frisbees.
And just one more…
“Soon, my children. Soon.”
CHEERS to that little nip in the air. I’m told that fall is on our doorstep (8 days and counting, not that we’re counting), although it’s a bit hard to believe after yesterday’s 80-degree day (145 with the heat-index thrown in) melted our collective brains and popsicles. But, no matter—the future-tellers from the 229-year-old Old Farmer’s Almanac trotted out their latest meteorological predictions over the weekend. This year, having read the moss on the bark, the fuzz on the caterpillars, the chicken bones in the bowl, and the sound of our neighbor Mrs. McGillicutty’s creaky knee, the old farmer predicts that the entire country will have a winter season starting two-thirds of the way through December and ending roughly ten days before the end of March. I’m as skeptical as anyone, but they’re the experts.
P.S. No hurricanes are predicted in the Atlantic this winter. Hooray.
Have a tolerable Tuesday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial
”Not good news for Bill in Portland Maine”: CNN panel dissects new report on kiddie pool splasher’s plummeting popularity”
From Daily Kos at Read More. This article is republished from DailyKos under an open content license. Read the original article at DailyKos.