A Happy Holidays Story
Twas two weeks before Christmas and in every state house
The electors had gathered to eject a big louse.
The ballots for POTUS were cast with great care,
Sealing the fate of the doofus with pickled brain and orange hair.
Each slip of paper, folded neatly in half
Were placed in wooden boxes on Biden’s or Dim Bulb’s behalf.
The Democrats voted for facts, empathy, and law.
While Republicans pledged allegiance to their fascist grandpa.
When over at Daily Kos there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my porn Bible study to see what was the matter.
Away to the front page I flew like a flash,
“BREAKING: 45’s legacy taken out with the trash.”
The sun high above set the nation aglow,
As if t’wer a spotlight switched on for this show.
At six the earth shook from a great seismic clamor,
As California’s 55 votes dropped like Thor’s mighty hammer.
Despite Rudy’s lawsuits that got shot down so quick,
The Constitution mandated we must cast out this prick.
More rapid than eagles the final results flew,
Trump’s crimes would now haunt him after a defeat he couldn’t undo:
Bribery, extortion, using tax dollars to cheat,
Swindling, obstructing, kissing Vlad’s hairy feet.
He’s the lowest of lows. He deserves jailhouse walls.
Oh happy, happy day—we got him by the balls.
Back at the White House from his burger-strewn bed,
The prez tweeted rantings from his big dumb orange head.
“Voter fraud! Fake news! It’s too early to call!
And another thing, my doctor says I’m SEVEN FEET TALL!!!”
He was bloated and sweaty, a desperate old shit,
And he shook and convulsed during his big baby fit.
The fear in his eyes—oh, yes, it was there,
He’d been felled by his nightmare—an election that was fair.
Soon Joe and Kamala will get down to their work,
Unlike their predecessor, no task will they shirk.
And I heard them exclaim at Trump and his evil oligarchy
“306 to 232, man…and that ain’t no malarkey.”
And now, our feature presentation…
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, December 22, 2020
Note: Here’s the schedule for the rest of the week:
This morning: No C&J unless it happens via immaculate conception. [Update: It’s a miracle!!!]
Tomorrow: A Very Special Regular C&J
Thursday evening: Join us around 8pm ET for our annual A Very Special C&J Christmas Eve Bean Supper and Airing of the Conspiracy Theories Nudeblogging
Friday: A Very Special Day Off
Please: no open flames Thursday night. —Mgt.
By the Numbers:
Days ’til 2021: 10
Minimum number of Americans who received a dose of the Pfizer coronavirus vaccine last week: 128,000
Minimum number of states who are getting fewer doses of the Pfizer vaccine because the Trump administration either accidentally or deliberately screwed up: 14
Americans polled by Gallup in 2013 and this month, respectively, who said it’s the federal government’s responsibility to make sure all Americans have health care coverage: 42%, 56%
Percent chance that Fox propaganda stooges Lou Dobbs, Jeanine Pirro, and Maria Bartiromo had to air retractions and set the record straight on false election-fraud claims they’d made under threat of legal action by Smartmatic: 100%
Average time it takes to grow a Christmas tree, according to some web site: 7 years
Year the first 30 Rockefeller Center Christmas tree was put up: 1933
Puppy Pic of the Day: Tuesday before Christmas feeling…
CHEERS and JEERS to, respectively, government in action and government inaction. The good news: Mitch McConnell finally stuck a crowbar into his soul and allowed the Senate to pry out a few farthings for the huddled masses reeling from the coronavirus pandemic. Far less than what the Democratic-led House passed back IN FREAKING MAY, but better than nothing:
» Stimulus checks of up to $600 per person for individuals (and their kids) earning up to $75,000 per year.
» Extension of unemployment insurance and a federal unemployment insurance bonus of $300 per week
» $284 billion in loans for businesses
» $69 billion in testing and vaccine distribution funds
» $82 billion in funding for colleges and schools.
» $25 billion rental assistance and a one-month extension of the eviction moratorium.
» $13 billion in food assistance is also in the bill.
Happily, the Republicans’ obsession with legally-shielding businesses who let their work places become super-spreader incubators got eradicated by the Are-You-Effing-Kidding-Me vaccine. Sadly, relief specifically for teachers and first-responders got the ax, because if we start showing appreciation for our citizens working hardest under the most stressful pandemic conditions, who’s to say they won’t get all greedy and start demanding Rolls Royces and exotic vacations? So Merry Christmas everybody—your government gave you the equivalent of a pair of socks paid for with your own money. Try not to feliz navidad with too much irrational exuberance—you’re almost out of arthritis cream.
P.S. Dear Georgia,
JEERS to grabbing us by the short ‘n curlies. It’s Russia’s world now, says the only living Republican with a still-viable brain stem. We just live in it:
Sen. Mitt Romney (R-UT) on Sunday warned that the recent Russian cyberattack against U.S. agencies and companies could potentially “cripple” electricity and water systems in the country.
He also criticized President Donald Trump for failing to condemn Russia for the unprecedented hack. […]
“They even got into the agency that’s responsible for our nuclear capacities, for our research with regards to nuclear weaponry. This is an extraordinarily damaging invasion. And it went on for a long, long time.”
He added that the hack has “enormous national security implications,” citing Russia’s ability to potentially “cripple” the U.S. economically and “with regards to our water and electricity and so forth.”
Of course, Russia feels absolutely no urgency to use the information that Trump allowed them to hoover up from our government agencies with the goal of turning us into a crazed, paranoid, third-world banana republic. Mainly because we did a fine enough job turning ourselves into one first, thank you. Sorry—I mean “spasibo.”
CHEERS and JEERS to dashing through the airspace corridors in a 50-dollars-per-carry-on-bag sardine can. Good news: holiday traffic is expected to be way down this year. Bad news: that was also the forecast for Thanksgiving, and now we’re dealing with a post-Turkey Day covid surge. Think we learned anything? Apparently not:
While AAA expects at least 34 million fewer travelers compared to last year’s holiday season, as many as 84.5 million Americans may still travel from Dec. 23 through Jan. 3, a decline in travel of at least 29%.
Public health concerns, official guidance not to travel, and an overall decline in consumer sentiment have encouraged the vast majority of Americans to stay home for the holidays. The CDC urges Americans not to travel for the holidays this year, warning that travel increases your chance of getting and spreading COVID-19.
Up to 81 million Americans will travel by car, a decline of at least 25% compared to last year. … As many as 2.9 million travelers are expected to book flights for the holidays, a decline of nearly 60% from 2019.
To all the travelers from all the health care workers will have to deal with their flooded lungs in a few weeks: Merry Middle Finger to you all.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
CHEERS to the Great Pale Yellow Goddess. I typically don’t promote fundraisers for bloggers outside of Daily Kos. There are enough outstretched hands (my own included) right here in Great Orange Satan Land. One exception I always make is Hillman Prize winner Digby aka Heather Parton, creator of the Hullabaloo blog. She is one of the sharpest, most observant bloggers you’ll find on the lefty tubes, and when you combine that with her Molly Ivins-like wit it’s easy to see why “What Digby said…” has become an often-used blogosphere catchphrase. She’s also one of an increasingly rare breed: the lone blogger, on her own platform, posting in her own lonely corner of bloggerdom, thanks to the fickle fate of social media now dominated by Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. But she deserves evergreen respect and support for being on the front lines during the dark times of Bush-Cheney, and for continuing the fight through the plague of Trumpism:
We are in for a rough time, especially if McConnell maintains control of the Senate. It will be different in character than these last four years. In some ways it will be more familiar but it’s important to recognize that today’s Republican Party has been radicalized beyond even what we came to expect of is during the Bush years and the Gingrich revolution. […]
It’s going to be a very bumpy ride, I’m afraid. And we will be here trying to make sense of it all and hopefully help you sort out what’s going on as well. If you’d like to help us keep the lights on here, you can throw a few coins into the old Hullabaloo Christmas stocking by clicking on the buttons below or using the snail mail address on the left column.
And Happy Hollandaise everyone. We are in the midst of a tough, scary time but we do have each other. And remember, there are more of us than there are of them…
She’s in the middle of her annual fundraiser now so she can keep chasing after the bad guys. If you feel so inclined to send a little holiday cheer in her direction, here’s the linky dinky. If you prefer snail mail, her address is on the upper left corner of her page. You won’t get much in return, though…just the equivalent of an advanced degree in political truth telling and the anguished sound of right-wingers wishing she’d go into another line of work.
JEERS to a hot and tense situation. Whoa—things are getting really bad in the wake of the latest volcanic eruption. I’ve read the harrowing coverage, and it’s hard not to feel bad for the folks in the affected area. We’re talking major fissures, blasts of hot air, sparks flying, people fearing for their safety and doing everything they can to get out of its way as they await what’s next to come out of that giant toxic hole of fire and fury. But enough about the right-wing freak-out over the removal of traitor Robert E. Lee’s statue from the U.S. Capitol building. I hear the Kilauea volcano is pretty scary, too.
Ten years ago in C&J: December 22, 2010
JEERS to a waste of trees. Whenever a hack like Sarah Palin comes out with a new book (ghost-written, no doubt), I always find myself wandering the streets muttering, “Don’t sell…don’t sell…don’t sell.” And sometimes it works! Palin’s book is being returned to the publisher in droves and stacked in a warehouse a la the last scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark. I guess after buying the first one, her minions didn’t really have a need for a second doorstop.
And just one more…
CHEERS to Billeh’s final plea. With Thanksgiving behind us, we’re now deep into War on Christmas Season. Two years ago the #1 item on my holiday gift list for Santa was the $5 million SEAmagine sub for the C&J kiddie pool. Last year I politely requested the Flying Hovercraft from Hammacher Schlemmer. But none of those compare to what I spent the year cleaning my plate and washing behind my ears for in 2020. I want this:
This morning I called Santa and told him that I believe the $25,000 price tag matches the extent to which I’ve been a good boy this year. The next thing I heard was Mrs. Claus giving him the Heimlich maneuver and then the line went dead. I’ll follow up with an email. I really want it. It’ll come in handy if extreme measures are required to rid the White House of Donald Trump. And hopefully Ivanka. And Jared. And Melania. And Eric. And Don Jr.
Have a holly jolly Tuesday. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
Today’s Shameless C&J Testimonial
“I’m a firm believer that you don’t remake blog posts that have had the longevity of Cheers and Jeers. You’re not going to create lightning in a bottle again. It’s just not going to happen. So why do it?”
From Daily Kos at Read More. This article is republished from DailyKos under an open content license. Read the original article at DailyKos.